I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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