my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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