I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
