First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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