I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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