I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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