he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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