i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
