I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
