i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
