Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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