I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
