Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
