Pregnant stripper...not hot.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she told me i tasted like america
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
