If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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