Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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