i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
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