You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
