Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
