I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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