she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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