come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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