I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It's shark week go big or go home
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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