Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
