i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
