i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
