every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
