i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
