The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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