why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
