I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
