I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
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