Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
