i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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