1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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