Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
