just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
