Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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