My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
