the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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