Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
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