I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
