I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Barsexuality is the new black.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Someone stole a lamp last night.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
