Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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