Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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