I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize
