I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
