she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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