i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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