Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
