I must be too annoying 4 u.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
