I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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